


Heroic Spirits Can't Die of Dysentery

by Arvanion



Series: Commissioned Work [3]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Chaldea Office Comedy, Gen, Oregon Trail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 22:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13668816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvanion/pseuds/Arvanion
Summary: Some historical research born of curiosity quickly gets out of hand once the Servants of Chaldea get involved.(Commissioned by bullfrogonthehorizon.)





	Heroic Spirits Can't Die of Dysentery

**Author's Note:**

> A commission for [bullfrogonthehorizon](https://bullfrogonthehorizon.tumblr.com/), who requested a FGO piece featuring Medb, Mash, and some kind of road trip. This was a lot of fun to write! ^_^

_ This is a disaster _ …

Gudako pressed her fingers to her temples in a futile attempt to ward off a headache.  _ All I wanted to do was relax. Read some books, maybe play a game or two… unwind from all the crazy stuff that keeps happening. _

A short distance away, a small horde of monsters fled toward the river, pursued by a motley group of Servants. Medb led the charge, brandishing her riding crop above her head. “Death to all who oppose our Master! None shall stand between us and the fabled land of Oregon!”

_ Instead, we ended up here, with all of these monsters… not that monsters showing up everywhere we go is a surprise anymore, of course. _

Fergus waved Caladbolg in the air and roared his approval. “No matter the danger, we shall persevere… for  _ that _ is the Celtic way!”

“YEAH!”

“Shouldn’t we change that? Since we’re in America now…”

“Oh, right. For  _ that  _ is the AMERICAN way!”

“ _ YEAH! _ ”

With a drawn-out groan, Gudako cradled her head in her hands.  _ I should have known better. _

_ Then again, I’ve never been much good at saying no... _

 

 

_ \- - - _

 

_ Chaldea Headquarters, earlier… _

 

“Are you in there, Senpai?” Mash’s voice, muffled by the door, came from the hall outside.

Gudako responded without looking up from her tablet. “It’s unlocked. Come in.”

The door slid open at the press of a button and Mash entered, nodding apologetically. “Excuse me. I knocked, but you didn’t answer, so…”

“Sorry about that! I was pretty wrapped up in reading.”

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Gudako set aside her tablet with a shrug. “Nothing important, anyway. What’s up?”

“It’s almost time for dinner, so I wanted to make sure you showed up. It’s important that you eat when you need to.”

“It’s sweet of you to worry about me.” Gudako laughed as she stretched her arms over her head. “But you don’t really need to.”

“I disagree, Senpai. In order for Chaldea to carry out its mission, all of our personnel need to be at their top capacity. That includes proper nutrition.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Raking a hand through her brightly-colored hair, Gudako got to her feet. “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll come to dinner with you right now.”

“It  _ would _ make me feel better.”

“Lead the way, then.”

The two of them stepped out into the hall and headed for the cafeteria. Even after all the time they’d spent there, the emptiness of Chaldea’s headquarters made Gudako feel uneasy.  _ There should be hundreds of other people here, but after what Lynor did… it’s just me, Mash, the doctor, and the Servants. _

“So, Senpai, what sort of thing were you reading?”

The mage lifted up her tablet by way of explanation. “Just brushing up on my history. I get the feeling that’s important in our job.”

“Of course it is. We can’t correct history if we don’t know how it’s supposed to be.” Mash nodded to herself. “But Dr. Roman hasn’t pinpointed the next singularity yet, so how do you know what to look at?”

“I don’t actually. Just kind of trying to catch up, I suppose.” They turned a corner into another hallway. “I mean, obviously, in real history, America wasn’t like…” She made a vague motion with her hands. “ _ That. _ ”

Mash nodded. “That’s why we were sent there.”

“But I’ll admit I was a bit disappointed at not getting to see very many cowboys. Like, that’s one of the most iconic things about America: tough explorers, out in the wild west, fighting outlaws and blazing new trails!”

“I think you might have watched too many movies, Senpai.”

Gudako ignored that comment and pressed on. “The point is that I wanted to do some research that was  _ fun _ . So I found a few books, some educational software…”

Mash raised an eyebrow. “Educational software. You mean a video game?”

“I mean, I guess you could call it that, if you wanted to?”

“That’s what I thought.”

“It’s not like I’m the only mage who’s into that kind of thing, okay? Lord El-Melloi is probably even more of a geek than I am.”

“So, this video game--”

“--educational software.”

“Whatever.”

“What’s it about?”

Gudako continued talking as they entered the cafeteria and took their seats at one of the tables. “Basically, you try to re-enact the pioneers’ journey out to the Western territories. There are like a million ways to die though. Really puts things in perspective.”

Mash considered that for a moment. “Senpai, don’t we already spend enough time almost dying?”

“It’s easier in a--” She cleared her throat. “In educational software, because I don’t have to worry as much. Although I did almost get drowned when my oxen spooked and dragged the wagon into the river-!”

“You almost  _ what _ ?!” Both of them jumped at the exclamation from behind them.

_ Oh, great… of all the people to overhear that, it had to be her? _

Gudako turned in her seat, laughing nervously. “Oh hey, Medb. Don’t worry, it was just--urk!”

She didn’t have time to finish her sentence before the Servant grabbed her in a hug. “If you need my help, Master, you have but to ask. If you’re dealing with unruly beasts--whether they’re men or cattle--I can whip them into shape.”

_ I’m fine, thanks _ . At least, that’s what Gudako would have said, if her face wasn’t being smashed into Medb’s chest.  _ She doesn’t seem too inclined to let go of me, either. Guess I live here now. _

“Rider, you’re smothering her.” Mash’s voice, tart and unamused, reached Gudako’s ears. Medb let out one of her silvery laughs.

“Oh, of course. How silly of me.” She smiled. “My apologies, Master. I only had your safety in mind.”

Gudako averted her eyes, painfully aware of how brightly she was blushing. “Uh, yeah. I know that you do your breast--best! your best!--to take care of me. But I wasn’t talking about actual oxen or wagons. It’s in a game I’m playing… I mean, in educational software that I’m using for research.”

“You aren’t fooling anyone, Senpai.”

“And what does this ‘research’ entail?” asked Medb.

“Basically, you do your best to get your wagon and your party safely to Oregon, just like the settlers did a couple hundred years ago.”

“I see.” Medb tapped a thoughtful finger on the end of her chin. “Though now, I actually feel a bit put out.”

“Huh? Why’s that?”

“Because I’ve always liked the idea of going on a great journey. Especially with people like you, Master.”

Gudako blushed again. “I’m flattered.... I think.”

Medb’s eyes gleamed. “But really, what’s keeping us from actually doing it?”

“...Huh?”

“Chaldea has the ability to take us there, after all!”

Gudako blinked.  _ I hadn’t considered that… wait, no, I can’t let myself be talked into this! _ “From what I’ve read about it, it was really dangerous. Lots of people died…”

Medb laughed that off. “ _ Normal  _ people might not have been able to handle it, but you’re a first-rate mage.”

_ Calling me  _ second-rate  _ would probably be too generous, but I guess Medb likes to pay me compliments. _

“But what about--”

“And on top of that, you’ll have your devoted Servants to take care of you! We won’t let anything go wrong while we’re around!”

_ I guess that excuse is off the table, then.  _ “Ummm…”

“Come on, you’re interested in it too, aren’t you?” Medb leaned over, smiling. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading about it.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

“So what better way to learn more about it than by experiencing it for yourself?”

Gudako could feel her resolve wavering. “Good point.”

The final nail in the coffin came when Medb put an arm around Gudako’s shoulders and leaned against her. “And you’d be doing me a favor, too--I’d  _ love  _ to come along.”

_ Looks like I don’t have a choice… _

“All right, then. We’ll head out once we get some supplies together.”

“Yes!” Medb punched the air triumphantly. “I’ll make all the arrangements. And let the others know, of course. We’ll have to have a proper wagon train.”

She blew Gudako a kiss and headed off.

The mage watched Medb go before slowly slumping to the table, one cheek flat against the cold surface.  _ There’s no getting out of this now. _

“Are you okay, Senpai?”

“I just hope I don’t end up regretting this.”

\- - -

“...Are you sure this qualifies as a covered wagon?”

“It has a cover on it, and it has wheels--”

“Medb, this is just your war chariot!”

Medb shook her head in vehement denial. “Not anymore. Now it is the vessel that shall carry my love across these great plains of the west!”

“It sounds really weird when you say it like that.”

“Excuse me, Senpai. People are giving us odd looks.”

“Well,  _ of course _ they are!”

Dr. Roman had initially been hesitant to Rayshift Gudako and her Servants to the beginning of the Oregon Trail, but Medb’s bullying had eventually changed his mind. Now they were on the outskirts of the town of Independence, preparing for the journey.

“More than likely, they are overcome by my beauty,” said Medb, tossing her head.

“Or maybe they’re surprised the fact that a bunch of us are wearing armor, carrying weapons from medieval times, and one of our wagons is being pulled by a  _ giant blue ox! _ ”

Paul Bunyan looked up from the blue ox in question for a moment before returning his attention to scratching behind Babe’s ears.

Mash drummed her fingers against the edge of her shield. “You’re probably right, Senpai. Maybe we should have tried to blend in a bit more.”

“Not really any point in trying now.” Gudako shaded her eyes. “Besides, we’re not risking a time paradox or anything like that. Dr. Roman said this was some kind of… uh, I think the term he used was ‘Pseudo-Singularity?’ It’s a pocket of alternate history, but not one that threatens the foundation of humanity.”

Lord El-Melloi strolled up from behind one of the other wagons, straightening his glasses. “Thank goodness for that. It would be a shame for us to threaten the future simply to accommodate Medb’s whims.”

“That’s  _ Queen Medb _ to you.” Medb narrowed her eyes at him. “And I can run you over with my chariot if you keep up your insolence.”

“Good grief.”

Mash gave Medb a disapproving frown. “Please don’t do that.”

“It’s not like he’ll die! Any Chaldea Servant that goes down just re-materializes back at headquarters.”

“Yes, but it would still hurt.”

Gudako looked between her quarreling Servants and rubbed at her forehead. “How about you just stop arguing, so we can head out?”

Medb instantly switched from waspish to sickly-sweet. “Of course, my darling Master. Here, come sit next to me, and we’ll lead the way.”

Medb patted the seat of the chariot right next to her. Gudako raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure there’s enough room there for me?”

“Of course there is, if you snuggle up close to me.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Senpai.” Mash cleared her throat significantly. “You should stay close to me, so I can make sure you’re protected.”

_ Is it just me, or does she sound a bit jealous? _

“If it’ll make you feel better, you can sit in the back of the chariot--”

“The  _ wagon _ .”

“--whatever. With me.”

“Of course.”

“Just take care that absurdly large shield of yours doesn’t dent the flooring or catch on the canopy,” said Medb. “Because if it does--”

Fergus strolled up, resting Caladbolg casually over one shoulder. “I don’t think there’s any need to finish that thought.”

Medb shot the warrior a cool glare. “And why would that be?”

“As inventive as your threats may be, your majesty, they lose a bit of their impact when they’re repeated too often.”

“Is that so.” The queen’s fingers toyed with her riding crop. “Then I suppose there is no need to give you advance notice before I whip you for your insolence.”

Fergus roared out a jovial laugh, though he also took a few cautionary steps backwards. “I will keep that in mind.”

Gudako, feeling like she was losing control of the situation, cleared her throat loudly. “Well, at the risk of my requests losing their impact, can we get going already?”

Medb’s demeanor instantly changed from threatening to fawning. “Of course, my darling Master.” She raised her voice. “All right, everyone, you heard her--let’s move out!”

Looking over her shoulder out of the back of the wagon, Gudako took in the odd group following in her train.  _ If we’re not the strangest group to take this route, we probably come close… _

\- - -

By the time that they’d made camp, Gudako was already regretting her decision.

The wagon train had done their best to emulate the normal activities of prospective settlers: hunting, fishing, gathering firewood, and preparing a campsite. Unfortunately, Servants had a very different set of priorities.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s badly built. And it certainly fits the times, but…” Gudako gestured to the tree stumps surrounding them. “You realize this is just supposed to be a temporary camp, right?”

Paul Bunyan looked from Gudako to the neatly-constructed log cabin and stockade he’d put up in the section of clear-cut forest, then back again. “Mm?”

Gudako sighed and rubbed at her forehead. “Now that it’s built, we might as well leave it up. I won’t object to having a roof over my head for the night.”

A shout of triumph came from the river a few dozen feet away: by the looks of it, Leonidas and Diarmuid had decided to try their hand at spear-fishing.  _ The poor fish don’t stand a chance... _

Mash cleared her throat. “Shall we take a look at the interior, Senpai? Once you decide where you’ll be sleeping, I can decide where to stand guard.”

“Sure, we might as well.”

They entered the lodge just in time to hear a loud thump from the next room over.  _ What was that?! _

Dashing over to the doorway, they saw Fergus and Robin Hood stepping back from a mattress laid out on the ground. Robin wiped his forehead and grinned. “Oh, heya, Master. We were just setting up your bedroom.”

“Where did the mattress come from?”  _ It’s too big to have been hidden in one of the wagons… _

“Oh, this? We just put the finishing touches on it a few minutes ago.” Robin pressed a hand into the mattress. “It’s nice and soft. Stuffed with the finest goose feathers!”

“...Where did the goose feathers come from?”

Fergus gave her a vaguely disbelieving look. “From geese, of course.”

Mash had wandered over to the window to look outside. Now she came back, looking a bit green. “Um, Senpai, you might want to see what Atalante is up to…”

\- - -

“You did  _ WHAT _ ?”

The huntress’s ears twitched uncomfortably. “There is no need to shout, Master.”

“I… I just…” Gudako swallowed hard. “Why?”

She did her best to look at Atalante and not anywhere else. Just a few feet away, Jing Ke and Sanson were making their way through a pile of dead birds, plucking and gutting them with surgical precision.  _ I probably shouldn’t be surprised that Assassin-class Servants are good with knives. _

“I thought that was obvious. You told us that the settlers hunted for their food, did you not?”

“I mean… yes?”

“So obviously, I hunted these geese as efficiently as I could.”

“...Did you use Phoebus Catastrophe?”

“I did. It was the best way to ensure maximum success.”

Gudako pondered that statement as Sanson quietly beheaded a goose and tossed it on the pile.

“You used your Noble Phantasm to hunt for food.”

“Yes.”

“We don’t even need this much food!”

“True, we have no need of the meat, but Medb said that we needed to gather feathers…”

Gudako stood up, raising her voice. “Medb!”

The queen appeared at her side as if from nowhere, slinging an arm around Gudako’s shoulders. “You called, Master?”

“Yes! Are you the one who’s been encouraging all of the Servants to go overboard with this?”

Mash sighed. “They don’t need much encouragement, Senpai… none of them had much common sense to begin with.”

“But can you truly blame your devoted Servants for wishing to provide you with the best in accommodation, food, and--”

Medb stopped as the sound of a distant howl drifted toward the camp. Gudako looked in the direction of the noise, feeling uneasy.

“That didn’t sound like a normal wolf…”

“It wasn’t.” Lord El-Melloi walked up, his face set in its usual displeased expression. “The presence of this many Servants stands out like a beacon of mana. Not to mention…” He glanced back to where Atalante and the two Assassins were working. “They can probably smell the raw meat, too.”

“So… what you’re saying is that we’re about to be attacked by monsters.”

“Yes.”

“As usual.”

“Quite.”

Medb raised her voice. “Look lively, you lot! We’ve got some guests coming!”

The rest of the Servants hurried to her side. Leonidas still had a large, flopping fish impaled on his spear, but he didn’t appear to notice.

The howling grew closer, and Mash readied her shield. “Stand back, Senpai. We’ll deal with this!”

The monsters came into view, leaping over tree-stumps as they headed for the pile of geese. Atalante’s arrows slowed their advance for a few moments, before…

“Charge!” Medb brandished her riding crop in the air. “Drive them into the river!”

“Right!”

Then they were off, waving their weapons and shouting. Gudako slowly sat down on the nearest tree-stump and cradled her head in her hands. _ This is a disaster... _

The battle raged on, Medb and Fergus at the front. Gudako continued her gloomy contemplation.

After a few minutes, she’d reached a conclusion.

_ The next time I study history, I’ll stick to reading books! _


End file.
